Skit S--t!

This is a wee 'skit' I've writ(ten), giving a 'tongue in the cheek', reason for the false accusations laid against United fans when they visited Stangmore Park, Dungannon last season. There may be some inaccuracies here, as after all I'm only human (allegedly), but if this offends any United fan, I deeply regret it. If it offends any of those love children from County Tyrone, who told lies about us and influenced the referee, I will be truly ecstatic!

Twas (sorry for the archaic language), Saturday the 15th August, 2009, an auspicious date if ever there was one. United fans had made the long boring journey to Stangmore Park to watch the wee Sky Blues as is their wont on a Saturday afternoon. Now that 'hole', that is Stangmore, has never been a 'happy hunting ground' for us it's fair to say, but we believe in following our team no matter where they go. By a strange coincidence both teams sported a player who it would be fair to say was a non-white. Alvin Rouse, from West Indies I believe, was in goal for the home side, while Ormo Okunaiya, known simply as Ormo by United fans, was playing for the Sky Blues.

There was the usual banter during the game, friendly it could be said, if that's possible, we were as usual branded as 'sheep shaggers', while they who are famous for one thing only, the slaughter of 'chickens' and what they do to them, before or after slaughter, is anybody's guess and I'm not guessing. During the both halves United had a presence behind the Dungannon goal and after the game it was 'alleged', that they chanted racial abuse at the home keeper. This of course was a complete fabrication as the chant from fans as the 'stick thin' Rouse took goal-kicks was the same as chanted by fans all over the country, 'you 'fat' ba--ard' (Love-child). The emphasis on the chant is placed on the last word which is generally drawn out as 'baaaas- taaard, whereas the words 'fat' and 'you' are hardly intoned. Could the following be what happened during this infamous incident, I wonder.

United fans were chanting the 'fat' phrase, when a young Dungannon director asked a mature United fan why they were calling 'Rouse' fat, when he was so obviously 'thin'. This man (we'll call him John Doe),informed him that it was 'black humour', which this director (we'll call him Chicken George), said 'so they're making racist remarks about our keeper'. John Doe said, 'no George, you've got the 'wrong end of the stick', in this instance black has nothing to do with colour, it's really just irony'. Chicken George was by this time totally mystified, he had never heard of 'black' humour and what the hell was irony and where had the stick come from? Not wanting to seem like the complete ass-hole that he was, Chicken George, grinned, John Doe saw him smile and foolishly thought he'd got the message (unfortunately he didn't realise that Chicken George was a typical empty head from the Dungannon back-water).

Chicken George returned to his fellow directors and informed them that United fans were calling their keeper 'black' and as they were by this time 'half-cut', (it's a little known fact that the ingestion of copious amounts of chicken blood, freely available in that area, lowers human resistance to alcohol), in other words very little drink renders them legless. They ganged up on the referee, one Trevor Moutray and after half a bottle of whiskey, diluted with chicken blood, he admitted to hearing 'something'. after another half bottle of local brew, poteen and chicken blood, he said in his report that he distinctly heard United fans call Alvin Rouse a black ba--ard.

What are the lessons to be learned from this unfortunate incident I wonder. I suppose one should never underestimate the depths to which people will sink and how they will completely misrepresent the facts and show no remorse even when the facts are proven to them. Happy new year, bring on the Glens!